Part 2 of the Elephants in the Room Series: The Negative Nancy
Today is our second podcast in the series “elephants in the room,” you know, all the stuff that’s right there that nobody wants to talk about? We’re talking about negativity in friend groups.
Everybody probably has that ray of sunshine that people scramble to be around. Not necessarily PollyAnna, but the person who can brighten any dark situation, or make you frame things in a different way, so that you can see a more positive outcome than you were originally anticipating. People just feel better when they’re around them, almost as if they have a golden aura, you feel like you leave their presence elevated, feeling better about life in general. It’s almost as if you got a potent dose of antidepressant while you were with them. People are attracted to them as both friends and lovers. Work and school function better around them and problems don’t seem so daunting. They have a certain magnetic appeal and charm about them. I had a girlfriend in medical school that way. Even people who were not inside our class knew her! They were drawn to her genuineness and her megawatt smile. Clella, if you’re listening, I miss you girlie!
Well, we’re talking about the opposite of that today. The dark cloud of the group. The Eeyore. The one who snatches defeat OUT of the jaws of victory. You could’ve been in a really fantastic mood, wanting to share good news with the group, but as soon as you got there, you sensed the temperature of the room and no longer felt comfortable sharing it. Everyone had to focus on the most recent horrible thing that happened to them, offer comfort, support, or problem-solving. You can sense other’s discomfort and nobody wants to address the fact that they would rather be anywhere else but here in this moment right now. That they would love to extend the get-together if it weren’t for this person, because they are literally sucking the life and joy out of everyone. You feel Hoovered of life force. They are the DARK QI. You leave feeling defeated, unheard, and maybe even slightly depressed or angry! You would’ve loved to catch up with your other friends, or even found out what’s going on in their lives too, but every one of you was submarined by Wednesday, the dark cloud.
So how do we address this? The easiest thing to do would be to get angry, be reactive, try to offer ways to solve their multitude of problems, or even exclude them from the friend group. But maybe there are other ways to address this that wouldn’t cause a rift?
First question: What are you doing to protect your own energy? If you are an empath, or sensitive to people’s moods around you (I’m talking to all my trauma folks out there and anyone else who grew up with either an emotionally absent, sick, or depressed parent—you guys have antennae like no other. You can read a room like a book because you likely had to so in order to survive your childhood. Is it time for jokes, entertainment, to catch up on the day, or should I be quiet so as not invoke someone’s anger, wrath, or depression?). To protect your own energy, you need to set some boundaries. If that means pulling the other person aside to kindly tell them to allow other people in the group to talk, or if that means gently redirecting the conversation whenever it turns in a negative direction, or it may even mean removing yourself from the group from time to time in order to “fuel up” on more positive energy, or even more permanently. Do what you must to protect your own life force.
Second question: is this a change from their baseline? Has something happened that really dragged them down to a dark place or is this dark place where they tend to live perpetually? I would NOT address it in front of the others in the friend group. I would ask to set up a coffee date or dinner, meeting somewhere on neutral ground (not at either of your houses). The last thing you would want to do is to make them feel attacked or cornered.
Third question: can you approach them with empathy and curiosity? Has something happened recently? Privately, you could say: “I notice you seem to be in a bad place?” Or “I’m worried about your outlook. Have you been feeling depressed lately?” They may or may not respond honestly. They may feel defensive regardless of the care and concern you show. Nobody likes to have things pointed out about them that could be perceived as a negative or unlikeable attribute.
If they respond in the positive, “yes things have been bad lately,” or “Yes, my boyfriend broke up with me and I didn’t feel comfortable saying anything to anyone…”. Then that’s a good indicator they just needed someone to talk to. And it would be a relief to them for you to just hear them out. If they become defensive, or try to turn it back around to you, or project their negativity onto you, try to wrap up the conversation quickly, reiterating that you care about them and if they need someone to talk to, you’re available.
Another possibility, if this is a more chronic problem like a significant mental illness or personality disorder, they may need more help than just a friend’s shoulder to cry on. They may need more professional services. If you feel that is the case, or if you or a friend, loved one, family member has used a therapist or a psychiatrist in the past that they had a good experience with, let them know they are not alone, and every now and again, it’s good to talk to someone who doesn’t have any skin in the game. An objective ear, if you will. Give them the referral and let them do with it what they will. But some important takeaways:
1. It’s not your fault if they don’t follow up
2. You don’t have to tolerate continued negativity
3. This may be an unpopular opinion, but it’s your sole job to protect your energy and your mental health. You are not responsible for anyone else’s well-being (unless you’re a parent, of course.)
4. Protect your peace. You shouldn’t run at the first sign of a difference of opinion or just because someone is having a bad day, but a lifetime of bad days is going to bring you down with them. Don’t let it. You are the average of the five closest people you spend the most time with. If you need to improve your average, you’re going to have to improve your environment, and sometimes that means your garden needs a little pruning.
So, if you found this information helpful, please like, subscribe, and follow us! Tell your friends. We’re @AndersonClinicCincy on Facebook, Instagram, and TikTok. And you can find our Psych Waves podcast on Apple and Spotify. And if you happen to be in the Cincinnati area and are looking for assistance with treatment-resistant depression, anxiety, concussions, or PTSD, give us a call at (513) 321-1753. Start feeling better faster.