Part 1 of The Elephant in the Room Series: DISAPPOINTMENT
Today, instead of current topics in culture or the environment, we’re going wander inside a bit to do some housecleaning: today we’re discussing disappointment. Not the sexiest topic, I know, but one definitely worth discussing. This will be a part of our “elephant in the room series.” You know, all the stuff that’s there and should PROBABLY be discussed but nobody really wants to? Yeah, those topics.
We’ve all been there. Worked our butts off for weeks on a term paper to only receive a mediocre grade…getting set up by a friend who promises “instant connection” to only leave the date thinking “meh”…coming in early and staying late and putting in 110% at your job only to lose the promotion to the brown-noser the next cubicle over.
You had so much hope going into the project/date/meeting/assignment. You anticipated all the good things: a good grade, the beginning of a fantastic relationship, the next step up on the corporate ladder. But instead of all the good things, you didn’t get Jack. So what now?
First of all, this isn’t even close to the end of the story. The disappointment that you feel in not receiving what you anticipated getting is only momentary, believe it or not. It’s the judgment calls you make, mainly about yourself that BECOME the problem. What do I mean by that?
So, part of my training involved a significant amount of work at the VA hospital, learning how to treat veterans for depression, anxiety, and a LOT of post-traumatic stress. My focus in psychotherapy sessions was mainly PTSD. There was a very significant pattern I started noticing amongst the folks who had experienced a trauma. Almost all had either witnessed or been a part of a near-death meeting or experience (usually during war-time). And while that THING nearly killed them, (or could have) THAT wasn’t the focus of the discussion, that wasn’t the main problem, believe it or not. The main focus of the conversation was all the JUDGMENT calls they made about themselves relating to the trauma. Comments like, “I should have been there, it should have been me, I could’ve done something different/better/faster.” Then the following labels they inferred about themselves because of all the judgment calls they made.
For instance, if a person had walked through the jungle next to a friend, and their friend was the one that stepped on a mine or a trap…their friend died instead of them. They might say, “it should have been me.” Or, “the only reason he was ahead of me was because I had to go to the bathroom…I should have been leading the charge.” So they then go down the destructive swirl of believing they aren’t a good person because of the negative outcome. And, as in most people who have experienced trauma, they want to have the illusion of control of a situation where they were only a victim of circumstance or accident. If they place the blame on their own shoulders, somehow that translates as being able to control the NEXT situation where they feel helpless. Because blaming themselves and taking responsibility for something that they couldn’t possibly own somehow feels better than having no choice in the outcome, or just being a victim of fate.
There are several problems with this. One is that, unless you’re clairvoyant, you couldn’t possibly know the outcome of the future. You would’ve changed the outcome if you could have. Second, acknowledge that it feels awful to not be in control of a given situation. Sometimes you’re the boss, or you’re heading up a project, so the responsibility is definitely on your shoulders. But outside of those circumstances, it’s not on you. Or, at least, not all of it. Third, you are the same person you were going into the situation as coming out of it. Some people might argue with this last statement, but the only thing that has changed is your perspective. I don’t say that lightly, or to minimize anything that has happened, but you anticipated an outcome (and most people generally anticipate a positive outcome). And that outcome, for whatever reason, was a surprise, and not in a good way. That outcome could be exactly the opposite of what you desired. You projected an outcome into your “hoped for” future. That outcome didn’t come to pass, and because it didn’t, you are now labeling yourself as the main problem (which, in reality, maybe/maybe not), then labeling yourself with negative adjectives to coincide with your negative outcome.
While it is most definitely important to take ownership of your appropriate amount of responsibility in a given situation, it’s also important to recognize when there is absolutely NOTHING that could have changed a given outcome. And you taking responsibility for something that was never yours to begin with can only prove detrimental to your emotional well-being. Another word for this is “self-flagellation.”
A healthy version of taking ownership looks a little something like this: something happens you didn’t want to have happen (a perceived “bad outcome”). You experience disappointment (which is a normal reaction). But instead of BLAMING yourself for the entirety of a situation (here’s where you pause, take a deep breath, and look from an outsider’s slightly emotionally disconnected point of view, Buddhists and meditators call this the “observer”), ask yourself this from a more objective point of view: “what part of this do I need to take ownership of? What role did I have to play?” Sometimes it’s 100%. Own it if that is the case. Use it as a life lesson so you won’t make that mistake again. Sometimes you have 50% ownership. So there is another person (or people) who play a part and they have to take ownership of their decisions and actions (we hope). Sometimes it’s ZERO and you were a most unfortunate victim of circumstance or accident…you were in the wrong place at the wrong time, or the robber picked you for a snatch and grab, or the semi-truck didn’t see you at the intersection, or it was your friend who stepped on the trap. In those cases especially, when there was absolutely nothing that could have been done differently, those are the cases when you need to give yourself the MOST grace, the MOST compassion, the MOST kindness, the MOST forgiveness. And also recognize that calling yourself names, beating yourself up, or taking ownership of an impossible situation WILL NOT MAKE YOUR SITUATION better…only worse. You are playing judge, jury, and executioner.
When you do have at least part (if not all) ownership in a situation, you need to both give yourself grace, but you also need to assume responsibility for your actions (or inaction, as it were). Not only so you can hopefully fix whatever went wrong, but also make reparations to the relationship, the project, the situation or circumstance, or it’s too late, take it as a life lesson to learn from so you don’t make the same mistake in the future. And remember, absolutely NOTHING changed from one moment to the next to change the person that you are INSIDE, only your feelings and perceptions have changed…and sometimes feelings are LIARS. Beating yourself up, strangely, is taking the easy way out, and it can also lead to feelings of depression and hopelessness over time. While verbally berating yourself may be consistent with your current negative mood, it’s just a distraction from dealing with the real problem you’re trying to avoid: the feelings of disappointment. So, accept that you FEEL disappointment, give yourself grace for the amount that WAS ABSOLUTELY not your fault, take ownership of the part that you CAN take ownership of, accept the outcome, and move forward with the lesson. This is Our first of many “elephants in the room.”
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And if you happen to be in the Cincinnati area and are looking for assistance with treatment-resistant depression, anxiety, or PTSD, please give us a call at (513) 321-1753. Start feeling better faster.