Empath's Holiday Survival Guide

Today we’ll be talking about ways to keep your emotional bank account filled by making deposits AND limiting the number of withdrawals during this hectic holiday season.

 Let’s say you are in a discussion with a friend and something they say hurts your feelings.  You clam up.  You don’t feel like talking anymore.  This isn’t the first time this has happened.  When they see you are upset, they ask:  “What’s the big deal?  Why are you always so sensitive?

 You’ve been in this position before.  You get your feelings hurt easily, but you wouldn’t consider yourself “sensitive” necessarily.  People come to you with their problems. You’re a good listener.  You’re the “giver” of your friend group.  You walk into a room and instantly you can tell who gets along and who doesn’t.  Who just had a lovers’ quarrel.  Who’s the shy one who’s forcing themselves to be sociable.  Who’s holding back for the sake of being polite.

 If any of the previous statements resonate with you, you’re likely an empath:  a person who can easily detect the emotions of others, and in some situations, may take on the emotions of others.  It can be both a gift and a curse. 

 There are some people who are just born more sensitive than others, you’ve likely seen differences in siblings within the same family, or even your own children.  Some have more of a proclivity for sports, others are great chess players.  Some are external processors, some need to go off by themselves and think.  Some are more vocal and talk non-stop.  Some have to be encouraged to speak up.

 Outside of our inborn natural predilections, sometimes people who grow up in chaotic environments, have a history of trauma, or who had (or have) overbearing or self-centered families can sometimes develop these emotional antennae (for a lack of a better word) as a survival tool or a defense mechanism.

 Take, for instance, if you had a father who suffered with alcoholism, and when he became intoxicated, he lashed out.  Maybe verbally, maybe physically.  Not only would it behoove you to keep your head down and your mouth shut during these episodes, but it would also benefit you to be able to predict his moods, his “tells” to see where his ire might be directed at next.  Not only to protect yourself, but possibly others in your family.  Over the months and years, these skills would be repeatedly practiced and honed under extreme situations.  You would become a master at emotionally “reading” the room so to speak.

 This is a fantastic example of a great tool survival in childhood.  Unfortunately, it can lead to repeatedly difficult scenarios in adulthood.  While you may be able to detect subtle differences in facial expressions and vocal tones more than the general population, it also may become a considerable disadvantage if you continue focusing on others without learning how to turn that insight to focusing on yourself. 

 Especially in the circumstances of people with a previous history of trauma, people give and give and give until they have absolutely nothing left and are depleted.  So we need to talk about your emotional bank. 

 Everybody has one.  Think of it in terms of having a savings account and a checking account.  The checking account is the energy you need and use on the daily, like paying bills.  There are a lot of transfers in and out.  The emotional savings account is what you only dip into in case of emergencies, and should be something you contribute to with regularity.  Emergencies might include you or your kiddo’s illness, major changes in your work or schedule, a move, or an unexpected expense you aren’t sure you can cover.  Relationships can be a major stressor.  Money or lack thereof is a major stressor.  Illnesses, job changes, deaths in the family.   Your savings account can keep you afloat when extra energy is required.

 Whether we realize it or not, we have a certain amount of energy we budget for daily activities and interactions.  What we give to our jobs, our relationships, our emotional lives, all take a certain amount of give and take.  But for an empath, there may be a little TOO MUCH TAKE from you that can drain your account dry. 

 Much like having a job that deposits money into your checking account, you also need to make regular deposits into your emotional checking account to avoid dipping into your savings.

 And in life, there are so many things that can happen unexpectedly, it’s important to “build up” your savings BEFORE said emergency can happen, BEFORE the time when you are going to need it.  You don’t want to be caught in a situation where your checking account is empty and you don’t have any savings put away to rely upon.

 Things that can contribute to your emotional bank accounts need to be things that fill your soul and recharge your battery, after all, you can’t pour from an empty cup.  For some to recharge, it is writing or journaling, for others it’s spending time at the park with their kids, or calling a friend, for others it’s playing a musical instrument or listening to their favorite podcast or book online.  It’s whatever that leaves you feeling happy, refreshed, or calm.

 Consistent self-care can also help recharge the tank as well.  Taking regular breaks during your day to eat and drink properly, take a brief walk on your lunch break, get some sunshine and fresh air.   Meet with a friend, go to the gym, hire a trainer to help you learn how to move properly.  Back off on the fast food and alcohol.  Get regularly scheduled massages. Take a mindfulness or meditation class.  Look into yoga, tai chi, qi gong.  All things that can help you learn how to breathe, slow down, and reconnect your mind to your body.  Take a long weekend away from work now and again.  Make sure to schedule longer vacations during the year.  Getting away from your typical environment is a fantastic way to reset your perspective and your tolerance to stressors.  There are many other options, but these are all ways to refill your emotional bank account.

 And while refilling your tank should be of paramount importance, what may be even more important, especially for empaths, is to limit the amount and number of regular withdrawals that occur to keep your emotional bank account balance in the black.  A big way to do this is to set appropriate emotional boundaries.  So what does that look like?

 We’ve all had the friends who are their own personal black holes.  Their needs are never-ending.  Their demands on your time, your involvement, or your emotions are never enough.  They take, take, take, without ever TAKING your needs into account.  For ease of description, instead of offering up diagnostic tools, let’s just call them emotional “vampires.”  There is no reciprocation, only expectation.  In order to preserve your emotional bank account, you may have to limit either your time with them, or your actual physical space.  It may be something as simple as not responding to every single of the 80 texts they send you throughout the day.  It may be limiting time to once a week when you speak to them over the phone.  You may call and say, “so nice to hear from you, but I have a doctor’s appointment in 10” so I can talk to you until my name is called!”  This is a way for you not to allow them to drain you dry.

 If it is a situation where coworkers or family are involved, it may be harder to set that boundary but polite, succinct directness may be in order.  For example, if it is a family event, you may say, “I’m sorry, but I really don’t feel comfortable attending the event when I know Uncle Jim is going to be there.  I told him specifically I don’t like hearing racist remarks and he continues to tell those horrible jokes in poor taste.” 

 Another example would be at work, “I really don’t feel comfortable working late if there is only going to be the two of us left in the office.”  Simple.  Polite.  Direct.  Succinct.  “Just the facts, ma’am” sort of explanation.  Not to be rude, but to be honest.  You don’t have to defend yourself.  You can just state your boundary and say no.  You don’t owe anyone an explanation if you feel unsafe or uncomfortable.  “NO” is a complete sentence.  Let me say that again:  NO IS A COMPLETE SENTENCE.

 Speaking of “NO” empaths are more likely to be the people in the PTO or organizations that people may take advantage of their kindness which can lead to overscheduling and volunteer activities.  Make no mistake, your time is not free.  If you have a life that you would like be more of a participant in and LESS of a spectator, you need to learn to become comfortable with saying “NO” more often, and become comfortable with the discomfort and/or guilt that may arise from other people’s disappointment with your non-participation.  A great way to “practice you ‘no’s” is start by saying “no” to things that matter far less to you.  Once you get comfortable saying “no” to the small things, it’ll become easier to say no to the larger things.  But much like with any skill, it takes time, practice, and repetition.

 So what if you’re already overscheduled?  Then you’d be like most Americans!  We were meant to live in community, with different people taking care of all the different tasks, and now we wonder why we’re overstressed doing everything for everyone all by ourselves all the time! 

 Start simple, much like when you make a budget, write down everything that you are doing daily, weekly, monthly, yearly.  Of these, what is actually necessary?  What are needs versus wants?  How much of your schedule is filled with things that are simply not yours?  I know single parents out there, a lot of things you are tasked with is something for your kiddos.  We’ll discuss that momentarily. If you are partnered or married, how many of these items can be delegated or shared or deleted entirely?  How many of these minor household items can be farmed out as chores for kiddos wanting to earn an allowance to buy the newest Pokemon card?  How many of these things can be accomplished by other people?  Like hiring a house cleaner once a week or month?  Or getting a babysitter to have a date night every once in a while?  Or having healthy groceries delivered?  Or even a healthy food delivery service?  Rotating meals with a friend?  Or cooking a double batch of food and putting half in the freezer?  Rotating drop-offs and pickups for school and/or sports practices with other parents?  Carpool is a thing!  How about getting a caterer for a holiday meal instead of doing it all by yourself?  Hiring a handyman or a tasker on TaskRabbit for when things break in your house?  For those NOT in the know, these are consumer-rated folks who have expertise at doing different things around the house and do tasking gigs like people who drive for Uber when their schedule allows. 

 What if even discussing all of this is giving you a panic attack?  Again, you are not alone.  Maybe it’s time you schedule one-on-one time with a therapist, counselor, or psychiatrist.  Some hurdles can’t be overcome by sheer willpower.  Sometimes they need professional assistance, or even neurochemical assistance in the form of medications.  Talking with someone can lower your stress levels, make you feel less alone, learn more coping skills for when you do encounter stressors, and get a better handle on your boundaries in addition to helping you refill your emotional bank account!  YOU don’t have to be Atlas carrying the world on your shoulders ALL BY YOURSELF.  YOU don’t have to be the answer to ALL of the questions.  YOU are not responsible for everyone, everything, and others’ emotions to boot. 

 When I was in medical school, I shadowed in the ER with residents and physicians.  While I had a lot of fun, there is a funny moment that is emblazoned in my brain that I will remember forever and I frequently share with my overscheduled patients.  The ER had an administrator.  She was equal parts drill-sargeant, den mother, number cruncher, master scheduler, and all-around badass.  On her desk sat a plaque with the phrase “LACK OF PLANNING ON YOUR PART DOES NOT CONSTITUTE AN EMERGENCY ON MINE.”  Ironic?  Absolutely.  Hilarious?  For certain.  But even moreso?  Truthful.  Why?  Well, everyone from doctors, nurses, techs, and even janitors in the ER were paid biweekly.  Timesheets were due to her by 5pm every Friday.  Turned in at 5:01?  Don’t care.  Not her problem.  Emergency?  Not her problem.  She was the master number cruncher and the ultimate gatekeeper.  When harried new docs would bring their timesheet into her and made some excuse she’s all like pointing to her plaque and said very calmly “the time sheets have already been turned into accounting.  Sorry doc, but you won’t get paid until the next cycle.”  People who were veterans of the ER never made excuses, just said “sorry, yeah, I know.”  They accepted her reality as truth and didn’t complain, didn’t make excuses, and if you noticed, apologized TO HER for being late even though THEY were the ones who weren’t going to get paid.  That is powerful.

 I am only BEGINNING to realize that this lady was a MASTER  of boundaries.  She absolutely didn’t care one iota if she pissed off somebody, no matter what the letters were behind their names. It wasn’t a power play.  She wasn’t a control freak or a narcissist.  She just set her boundaries and sat in them.  She wouldn’t be moved.  I was in awe of and slightly frightened of her.  Looking back, she was quite a good role model.

 So I know I’ve thrown a lot at you. Let’s do a quick recap before finishing up:

 Here are some positive ways to put more into your emotional savings account:

1.         Eat healthy proteins, fruit, vegetables

 2.        Minimize fast food and alcohol

 3.        Drink water or tea instead of soda

 4.        Get regular sleep and sunshine every day

 5.        Spend time alone, even if it’s just 5” on the toilet or 10” in the shower

 6.        Spend time with loved ones and friends getting YOUR cup filled

 7.        Get a massage.  IF you can’t afford one, ask for a gift card for Christmas or birthdays

8.       Participate in a favorite hobby, or start exploring what you might like to do

 9.        Take time off—in the day, week, month, and year

 10.  Move—some is better than none

 11.    Breathe, take a “time out”

 12.   Meditate/pray/journal

 13.   Listen to music, read a good book, watch your favorite movie

 14.  Get professional help if you’re unable to do these things by yourself:  trainer, Tasker, deliver, cleaner, counselor, therapist, psychiatrist

 Here are some positive ways to limit withdrawals from your emotional savings account:

 1.  Set appropriate emotional boundaries time limits and/or space/physical boundaries with emotional vampires

 2.  Stop volunteering for everything

 3.  Stop doing everything.  Look at your current schedule.  What are wants vs needs?  What can be cut out?  What can be delegated?  What can be hired out?

 4.  Harness the power of saying NO and practice it regularly

 5.  Stop overscheduling yourself

6.  Stop making yourself responsible for others’ actions and emotions

 I hope you’ve found this empath’s holiday survival guide helpful!  Remember, if you’re feeling you need more help than what this talk provided, talk to your doctor!  And remember, you are the person to change your own mind.

 So, if you found this information helpful, please like, subscribe, and follow us!  Tell your friends.  We’re @AndersonClinicCincy on Facebook, Instagram, and TikTok. And you can find our Psych Waves podcast on Apple and Spotify.  And if you happen to be in the Cincinnati area and are looking for assistance with treatment-resistant depression, anxiety, concussions, or PTSD, give us a call at (513) 321-1753.  Start feeling better faster.