The Fear of Being Seen
Why is the idea of being seen so frightening to a trauma patient?
Come this May, I will have been in practice for 17 years. With PSTD as one of my specialties, I’ve seen a lot of trauma, both acute and chronic, recent and from childhood, single doses, and too many to count.
There is one common thread through all of the PTSD patients I see that comes up over and over again. Once the person has moved past the acute phase of the trauma, their body has recovered, and their brains are trying to…the idea of being seen is positively panic-inducing. Even if it’s being seen in a positive way, like a promotion in a job or a recognition for a job well done, or winning an award that requires a speech in front of a group of people or being photographed. Why is that?
Because of how trauma and stress “rewire” our brains to link “being seen” with DANGER, or in some cases, violence, trouble, or some type of boundary crossing or violation, because at some point, that’s exactly what “BEING SEEN” meant.
Take for instance, if you grew up in a household with an alcoholic parent, and because of your hypervigilance based on repeated experiences (AKA you were appropriately fearful because you saw it happen enough times), you were able to easily predict whether or not it was going to be a “good night” just based on how that parent came through the door.
If it was going to be a predictably “bad night” you would want to avoid drawing attention to yourself. Because if your parent got into a drunken rage, the last thing you would want to do is make yourself an easy target. And honestly, once the parent was in that state almost ANYTHING could tip that rage over the top to lash out in your direction. Sometimes asking a question, getting in the way (as children are prone to doing), not answering quickly enough, or even just being present could illicit a wave of violence or epithets. So then your nervous system learns to associate visibility incorrectly with DANGER. If you’re seen, you could be targeted, objectified, judged, rejected, punished, or hurt. If you hide, you feel like you can maintain some semblance of control and safety.
As children, we all want to connect with our parents in a positive way. But that instinct, in the contextual environment of a traumatic household, can be at war with the need to survive. You’re fearful of being vulnerable if you’re seen, because if you’re seen then you’re likely to get hurt.
Fear can actually be helpful in regards to protecting yourself in certain situations. It’s smart to not make yourself a target. So what do you do as a child? You shrink out of the way, you don’t use your voice as much to draw attention to yourself, you keep your needs to yourself, you become hyper-independent and take care of the majority of needs by yourself even though you don’t have the maturity or the skills to be your own parent.
But over time, these protective mechanisms can morph into something far less helpful, like the internal monologue of:
“Don’t speak up”
“Just take it, deal with it, it will be over soon”
“It’s not ok to have needs, that’s too much”
“Don’t be too loud”
“Don’t draw attention to yourself”
“Don’t ask for help or you might get into trouble or be beholden to them for something you’re not willing to give”
“Don’t be different or you will be called out”
All of these internal monologues shrink you psychically. And to make matters worse, especially if the trauma happened in childhood, where all of us are naturally more self-centered, people take on the responsibility of the not-so-great parent. As if it is their fault that the parent misbehaved, or they make assumptions that their parents are not treating them nicely because they are not worthy of being treated well. Or worse, that they did something wrong or are innately “bad” people.
This feeling is especially damning if you are seen for your true self, which you believe is innately flawed. You are left feeling exposed, vulnerable, and ashamed of the person that you are. If you are seen, then all of your “bad parts” will be seen too. Even if the attention you’re receiving currently is “good” attention, in the present, when you’re no longer in danger (I hope), but your brain still hasn’t accepted the present as “safe.”
Repeated interactions with people who have proven themselves to be emotionally safe for you (like friends or partners) can have a calming effect on your nervous system but it takes a LOT of time and repetition to downregulate a wired and tired nervous system that’s really adept at staying in fight or flight but not so used to the “rest and digest” part. The IDEA of being seen is typically a lot more triggering than THE ACTUALITY of being seen for who they truly are as an adult in healthy relationships.
Sadly, for a lot of traumatized individuals, they frequently find themselves in relationships that repeat the trauma of their pasts. Not because they want to necessarily, but because it’s what their nervous system recognizes as comfortable (but in this instance “comfortable” does NOT equate to safety it just equates to “KNOWN.”) There’s an old adage, “better the devil you know than the devil you don’t.” I have one to beat it: HOW ABOUT NO FUCKING DEVILS AT ALL?!?!?
It’s good to be able to recognize not wanting to be seen as a trauma response, but exactly…
WHAT DO YOU DO ABOUT IT?
--go to therapy! I know, I know, I’m biased. But for reals, therapy can be a miniature playground for ideas that you’re testing, without judgment or harm to yourself in the meantime. It’s the playground for “what if…” Like “what if I’m safe, even when I’m seen” or “what if discomfort doesn’t have to mean DANGER?” Therapy is the best playspace for adults to be able to “test the waters” and practice what it looks like and feels like to be uncomfortable yet safe at the same time.
--Learn to say no if someone crosses your boundaries (even if it feels uncomfortable…therapy can also help with this, not a life coach with “real world” experience, but an actual trained therapist)
--Medications (if warranted appropriate by a psychiatrist)
--Take the compliment, even if it feels scary
--Honor your hard work to heal, and honor your hard work in real life. You deserve to be acknowledged when you’ve done something well.
--Learn to sit with the discomfort of being seen, especially when it’s for a good reason. Not all attention is bad but you have to retrain your nervous system to believe it.
--Get your nervous system some rest and play that it so desperately needs. A nervous system stuck in fight or flight is used to survival but not rest and play
--start taking pictures with your kids. The current time is all we have and it’s never promised for the future, so stop hiding from the camera.
--If you’re so inclined, read “The Body Keeps the Score”
--Look into either meditation (if you have the time) or investing in a vagal nerve stimulator to calm your nervous system out of fight or flight (if you don’t have the time)
WHAT CAN YOU STOP DOING?
--stop shrinking to make other people feel comfortable
--stop finding ways to lose your voice (metaphorically speaking)
--stop finding ways to be invisible
--stop taking abuse of any variety (mental, physical, emotional, sexual) and get help to support you
--don’t drink the Kool Aid when someone poo poo’s you for being “sensitive.” If your nervous system recognizes danger, honor that. Don’t allow yourself to be gaslit.
--stop thinking you have to DO ALL THE THINGS ALL THE TIME ALL BY YOURSELF. Asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness.
And remember, discomfort doesn’t always equal danger, it just means “unknown.” Being seen isn’t for the faint of heart, but you’ve already been through the worst of it. This is where life starts getting good again.
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