Teaching Boundaries to Boys = Ending Male-Dominated Abuse and PTSD
Today may be the most important discussion I think I’ve had with you to date. We live in an ever-changing world, and I’m sorry to say, it is a world in which womens’ rights are decreasing instead of equalizing. There is debate on what constitutes rape, what constitutes consent, what is the appropriate age of consent, how and what parts of our bodies belong to us, regardless of the religious beliefs we may or may not hold. But I’m not here today to talk about any of that. I think these topics are broad in scope and I’m far from a politician or a lawmaker. I am a specialist and one of the main areas I focus on is PTSD. That being said, I see a lot of survivors of domestic violence and abusive relationships. Typically, I’m part of the “clean-up crew” if you will, helping the patient deal with the aftermath of said trauma using talk therapies and various other treatments. But I’m not here today to talk about that either. I’m here today to talk about our sons, grandsons, nephews, and young men in our lives, and how the lack of education: interpersonal, social, and sexual, during their childhood when their brain is still forming is at the root of so much of the violence we say we are so against as adults.
Why do I care? So many reasons. One is, I’m a woman. We are taught as girls from an early age: don’t speak to strangers (even though the majority of violence is perpetuated by people we already know!), don’t get into an unknown car, be careful where you walk at night, have protection on you in various forms, be careful what you wear in certain areas of town, don’t answer the door if you’re home alone. Pretend someone else is in the house if you do. Don’t provoke a man in public or private. Smile and nod if someone says something inappropriate, especially if you are in unknown surroundings, don’t cause a scene, don’t provoke a man to anger. Take two cars to a new date, always have an exit. I could go on, but I’m fairly certain these are not conversations we’re having with little boys.
Another reason I care is because in medicine, we frequently focus on the aftermath, treating the disease instead of the lifestyle factors leading up to it. We are reacting to symptoms and diseases after the fact, instead of proactively preventing disease, and I, for one, am tired of it.
And the last, and by far, most important reason I have to care about this topic is: I have a son and I want him to be a part of the solution instead of part of the problem. Don’t get me wrong, this is not a podcast to hate on men. Not in the least. It’s about loving them enough to teach them at an early age to be proactive and protective and aware instead of predatory or passive.
Everyone talks about equality but we weren’t born equally. Unless you are a martial arts-trained like my friend LeeAnn Eakins, or an Olympic athlete, it is far more common from a genetic standpoint that the boys are going to be stronger than the girls. And there needs to come a responsibility with this.
Do I still think women need to be trained in self-defense? Absolutely. Do I think they need to be aware of their surroundings, especially in unfamiliar settings or at night? For sure. Do I think they should plan a safe and alternative exit if things go south on a blind date? Always and forever. But again, those are reactive solutions. I’m proposing being proactive using education, kindness, and setting a good example for the boys in our lives.
We need to teach our sons about physical, emotional and sexual boundaries, because lack of training in boundaries in early life can lead to an entitlement mindset in later life. Abuse isn’t just about anger, it can be about control, domination, lack of empathy, a failure to recognize another’s boundary, a misunderstanding about another’s bodily autonomy, or even the inability to tolerate rejection.
In regards to physical boundaries: start early with the teaching of physical boundaries. Shift the focus from “avoiding getting into trouble” towards respecting humanity in general. You can do this in several ways: discuss respect for others’ bodies and their right to privacy long before puberty. Don’t walk into the bathroom when someone else is using it. Don’t walk into a bedroom unless you knock on the door and get permission first. You can tell them if they don’t feel like hugging creepy Uncle Fester at Thanksgiving, then they don’t have to! And that if somebody says “STOP!” or puts up the universal stop sign signal, there is absolutely no conversation, negotiation, or argument, you stop immediately. Everyone has different physical needs, limitations and preferences.
If someone raises their hand against him, he should tell a teacher or trusted adult. Difficulties can and should always be worked through verbally and not resort to violence.
You can also let them know that boundaries are a continuous conversation. That maybe they wanted to do something before and now they don’t feel like it. They wanted to tickle fight before but now they’re done. Or they wanted to cuddle on the couch before but now they want to be alone. It is always discussed, never assumed.
In regards to sexual boundaries: you can talk to him about the difference between attraction and entitlement. Attraction is natural, but just because you are attracted to someone doesn’t mean you have the right to their time, attention, or body. The world talks about how being a man means “winning over” a woman or sexual conquest is the road to happiness when in fact, it is social, friendship, and romantic connections that form the deeper bonds and those that are purely physical conquests are typically empty.
In terms of emotional boundaries, we teach in terms of empathy and give examples, so they need to consider what it would be like if the shoe were on the other foot? If you asked a group of 20’s or 30’s something guys “would you like it if a complete stranger grabbed your ass?” The immediate response would be a guffaw in front of the others and likely a "hell, yeah!" But what if you knew that that lady was your kid’s teacher? Or you know she’s married to a peripheral friend of yours? Or if that lady is your direct boss? How would you feel then? It doesn’t feel good to have your boundaries violated, even if you are unaware that you have any. When people don’t even realize their boundaries were crossed, but something feels “off,” frequently people tell me their stomach hurts, they feel weird, icky, or dirty, or like they have done something wrong when they were actually the victim of inappropriate touching or commentary.
In terms of social boundaries, it's important to let the young boy in your life (son, grandson, nephew) know that sexualization is rampant in the media, pornography is everywhere and it romanticizes boundary violations as normal and preferred. Help him to analyze what he sees and hears critically to recognize he’s being told a story in order to sell a product, and that is what mainstream media and marketing is all about. And while media is busy sexualizing literally everything, because sex sells, you can tell your sons that clothes are nice, but clothes do not invite sexual behavior from the opposite gender. Words SHOULD be the only thing doing that.
Socialization is so very important: getting him involved in sports, clubs, activities, that all involve play and community across all genders will be an important way to “practice” being out in the world in a physical, social, and emotional way. Learning how to navigate these boundaries with friends, cohorts, and teammates are fantastic practice for real-world relationships long after school is over. Online forums are places that completely lack accountability because they create a false sense of anonymity. Everybody feels cool with being a critic from the comfort of their own couch, but you’d be far less likely to make an offensive statement to how a lady was dressed if she were standing directly next to her 6’7” footballer boyfriend. Before commenting on a post or a picture, always ask yourself, “is this comment something I’ll be proud of in 10 years?” or “would I say this if I were face-to-face with this person?” If the answer is no, keep your fingers off your keyboard. Discretion is the better part of valor.
Part of the reason it’s important for boys to be a part of club sports or groups or clubs is because they need physical presence in order to help regulate their nervous systems. Anyone who has put a kiddo to bed recognizes the difference between little girls who will settle in to read a good book with you and little boys who you have to help reign in the zoomies prior to his head hitting the pillow!
From a larger social perspective, what if he walks in kindness and respect, but witnesses a boundary being violated by another male out in the wild? Will he be a bystander or intervene? How can he intervene without being hurt himself? There are whole classes out there on deescalating difficult social interactions without resorting to violence, and many of them are taught in arenas like martial arts and self-defenses. Protecting others is part of being a strong respectful male. AND not affiliating or associating with those that have those types of behaviors is actually a sign of strength of character. Don’t be the person that casually laughs it off as a joke. Don’t be the person to be dragged into participating in something you know to be wrong, not just toward another female, but toward a human being.
Our sons need to know it’s not okay to put women down in any capacity. That jokes aren’t jokes if they are meant to demean, demoralize, infantilize, minimize, or shame. They need to recognize what consent means. That no means no regardless of when or how it’s said, even if it’s right at the point of physical coupling. They need to know it’s important to be kind, respectful, and gentle, and these do not communicate weakness, but strength. Being aware of and respecting another’s boundaries is the highest form of veneration and love. It is a respect for the other’s autonomy.
Our sons need to see and experience examples of healthy relationships as well, both at home and out in the wild. If you allow a friend to put you down without addressing it, you are showing your son it’s ok to tolerate disrespect. If a merchant makes a mistake on your bill and you don’t correct them, you show your son you can be manipulated. If you speak ill of others because of the way they are dressed, you teach him that superficial appearance is more important than substance and it’s ok to judge a book by its cover. If your spouse or partner screams at you, puts you down, or raises his or her hand against you, you teach him it’s ok to act out in anger, and the person responsible isn’t the one physically acting out, but the one who “made them angry.” All of these are versions of boundaries, and while it’s always great to talk to your kids about everything, it’s far more important that they learn by seeing, experiencing, and doing.
When you’re exhausted and don’t feel like cooking dinner or you’re sick and absolutely cannot, your spouse either phones in take out or makes a meal. Your son learns that marriage is a true partnership and that we help take care of each other, not “mom takes care of everyone and everything, and if she doesn’t we’re screwed.” And moms can help deter future “sanctioned incompetence” by setting the standard of “if you do it wrong or incorrectly, I guess that means you need more practice at that particular chore” instead of picking it up and just doing it for them. I could speak on this forever, but the bottom line is, if we worked as hard on little boys’ education about physical, sexual, emotional, and social boundaries just as much as we worry about protecting young women out in the world, we would have a greatly decreased need for people like me, as a part of the “clean-up crew.”
It's time that we ARE THE CHANGE WE WISH TO SEE IN THE WORLD.