Rules For Fighting Fair
We’ve discussed a basic overview of boundaries: what they are, what it looks like when they’re crossed, and how to set and enforce them.
Today’s topic is related to that: the “Rules” of fighting fair. If you are in corporate business, you may have taken classes on how to deal with difficult or “high conflict” clients, how to deal with hurt feelings in acquisitions or mergers, but in real life, or if you’re not in business, you may have no idea how to navigate disruptions in communication within a friendship or partnership.
If you’re in a long-term friendship, romantic relationship, business partnership, or marriage, or even a neighborhood HOA (!) for that matter, disruptions in communications are GOING TO HAPPEN.
George Bernard Shaw said: “The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” We may THINK we have communicated something very clearly, we may have ASSUMED we said something…but what if we only said it in our own minds and not aloud? What if we said one thing, but the other person, with their own minds, beliefs, and filters, heard something else entirely? What if we said one thing, but our tone said something completely different? What if we said something while the other person had 80 other things on their minds and they weren’t really paying attention? So…many…distractions…that can keep us off track, or not completely mindful or engaged. So let’s dive in to how one might engage appropriately with someone who carries a different opinion than yourself!
Rules of fighting fair:
1. Listen. Be present. Get off your phone and your computer. Turn the TV or radio off. Focus on your friend/partner/spouse. Give them your full attention.
2. Be respectful. No name-calling, no yelling, no physical harm or threats thereof to yourself or someone else.
3. No emotional blackmail: don’t threaten to leave, or threaten to withhold love/funds/time/or outcome if you don’t get your way.
4. No superlatives. No “you always do this” or “you never do that.”
5. Focus together on solving the problem, NOT being right.
6. Focus on staying in the PRESENT TIME. No bringing up “all the times you…we call that “building a case” as if you were in court, or “kitchen sinking” as I call it. We’re not bringing up all the examples of how this makes you a horrible person, or using all the examples of all the times you didn’t follow through, etc. It engenders defensiveness, and doesn’t move you forward. Once the other person becomes defensive, there will be little to no forward momentum.
7. Use “I” statements instead of “you” statements. Nobody can tell you how YOU feel. But when you start a sentence with “YOU” it is an implied “finger wagging” and the other person will automatically feel defensive and attacked. It sounds counterintuitive, but if you make yourself vulnerable by stating your feelings, the other person is far more likely to lower their defenses and you’re going to be able to communicate far more effectively.
8. IF you feel you cannot do ANY of the above, tell the other person you need to walk away for a few minutes to gather your thoughts or even call it a “time-out.” If you are feeling ramped into a state of anger/rage/fight-or-flight, there will be no productive discussion to be had. Just make sure that before you walk away, you set up a time for the issue to be readdressed when cooler heads prevail. DON’T JUST WALK AWAY because that can be interpreted as a manipulative move.
Just as with any new skill you learn, this takes lots and lots of practice before you become fluent in the art of communicating effectively and non-defensively (and non-offensively, as well!). Speaking in this manner of addressing conflicts feels awkward at first, but it can really decrease the level of intensity felt by both parties, and makes a difference in how we approach disagreements in every arena. And that’s a valuable tool worth having!
And remember, you are the person to change your own mind.
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