Resiliency
Today we’re going to be discussing a topic near and dear to my heart: resiliency. It’s defined as the capacity to withstand or recover quickly from difficulties; toughness. Some people liken it to grit: which is defined as courage and resolve; or strength of character.
We’ve all heard the old saying “that which does not kill us makes us stronger.” Like iron sharpening iron, difficult events in life can change you, mold you into something tougher, stronger than you were before, if you don’t allow it to break you down.
Mike Tyson was once famously quoted as saying, “everybody has a plan…until they get punched in the face.” So what “punched you in the face?” Job loss? Partner diagnosed with cancer? Stocks crashed? Accountant swindled you out of money? Sudden illness or death in the family? Accident? Some things we see coming down the road a mile away like money troubles. Some things hit us up side the head like a ton of bricks. Some things knock us down for a day or two; some can be ultimately life-altering or even life-threatening.
When we are in the “down position” so to speak, we wonder: will there ever be a way out? Will things always be this way? Or even, why does this keep happening to me? Some may even go so far as to say they are “doomed” or “cursed.”
It’s very easy to get stuck in a negativistic mindset. Ever heard the saying “bad things come in threes” or “if it weren’t for bad luck, I’d have no luck at all?” Once our brain recognizes a pattern, it starts seeing it everywhere! Neurologically speaking, once we see something once, and we think we start to see it everywhere is called the Baader-Meinhof Phenomenon or frequency bias. But the interesting twist on this, is it can happen regarding positive outcomes as well! People who believe they are lucky actually wind up finding more opportunities because they’ve trained their eyes and their minds to be open to them. People who believe they are unlucky tend to do worse in situations. They are not looking for opportunity because they only believe the worst will befall them, therefore start looking for and even seeking out the negative outcome!
Our brains do not hear NEGATIVES. Let me repeat that. Our brains do NOT hear NEGATIVES. IF you say to a person, “whatever you do, DON’T think about a fuzzy pink elephant…” what is the exact very thing that pops into their minds?!?!? A FUZZY PINK ELEPHANT! Don’t worry if you thought the very same thing. I did too! Because brains don’t hear negatives!
If you’re worried about NOT getting into bankruptcy, all the brain hears is BANKRUPTCY BANKRUPTCY BANKRUPTCY BANKRUPTCY BANKRUPTCY. Do you think you’re going to be looking for opportunities to dig yourself out of debt or stop or slow down the tax collectors? No. You’re worried you’re going to be homeless, living on your parents’ couch in the basement. Because your brain doesn’t hear negatives.
If you’re worried that you’re NOT going to have a job in 3 months, guess what? Your brain is focused on getting fired. Not for ways to improve your performance standards, or your productivity or efficiency, or ways to impress your boss. Instead, you may be looking at redoing your CV or resume, taking time away from the very thing you’re fearing to lose: YOUR JOB!
Ok, get ready. I’m going to bust out a super-nerdy Star Wars quote here: Qui-Gon Jinn in Episode I (not my favorite but there are bits and pieces that are useful) said, “Your focus determines your reality.” I had to scrape my chin up off the floor when he said that. I was less impressed with the character development and more impressed with the fact that he just dropped a philosophical nuclear bomb right there!
Your focus determines your reality. If you’re worried about loss, trauma, not ever having enough, your focus is LACK of abundance. Your reality is emptiness and fear. If you’re focused on “what can I do right now to put me on the right path?” Then your reality is ACTION that is moving you in the direction of your goals. It doesn’t matter if that action is just sitting and breathing calmly. That is an action that doesn’t involve LACK. One foot in front of the other. One small step and yet another. One mile and the next. One milestone and the next. When we are suffering, yes it is important to grieve, but it also important to TAKE ACTION to get ourselves out of that space of inertia.
Your environment can also play a part in your recovery process. If you are surrounding yourself with people who say “it cannot be done” or “you might as well give up” or “stop trying, what’s the point” it may serve as a type of peer pressure for you to stay in the state of LACK of abundance. Alternatively, if you surround yourself with the type of people who say, “it’s time to get up now.” Or “how can I help you do this difficult thing?” Or “what can we do towards recovery?” Then your chances of making it our of that state of lethargy/lack/grief/trauma are exponentially improved!
In my work, I’ve seen several adults from traumatic childhood backgrounds, and also victims of domestic partner violence. People frequently say to them, “Oh my gosh, you’re so strong! How do you keep going? You can do anything!” Think about it, how did they GET to be so strong? It wasn’t because they had everything spoon fed to them. It wasn’t because they had people to bail them out of trouble every time they stumbled. It was because they had to face tremendous difficulty, sometimes over and over and over again, overcome it, and learn from it, such that they were a heckuva lot stronger than they gave themselves credit for!!
When scientists were attempting to recreate earth’s atmosphere in a self-sustaining geodome in the hopes of eventually traveling to mars and other distant planets, photosynthesis and water collection, food production were all going swimmingly, but they had a problem: the trees kept falling over! They had the perfect growing conditions, they checked the pH of the soil, the level of hydration, the content of the nutrients, the level of sunlight…but, the trees continued to fall over! As it turns out, trees fall over in perfect environments because strong winds make for strong roots. Translation? Stress is actually necessary for growth.
Especially when we’re in the midst of trauma, chaos, or turmoil, accidents or grief, everyone hopes for an easier life. Everyone hopes for easier days. Or times they could just be alone with their puppy at the beach, or with their kitty in a snow-covered cabin. But easy lives don’t grow good humans. Life is, has been, and at times, will continue to be hard.
Sometimes you have to fight for your marriage. Sometimes you have to fight for your kids. Sometimes you have to fight for your friendships. Sometimes you have to fight for your job. Sometimes you have to fight for your family. Sometimes you have to fight for your life, even if you feel like all the odds are stacked against you, and especially if they actually are. I know I keep coming back to boxing analogies but Rocky Balboa has a great quote about this very thing: “It ain’t about how hard you’re hit…it’s about how you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. Get up!”
We’ve talked about the NEED to be resilient, the NEED to fight against all odds, the NEED to not give up, but if you haven’t experienced a difficult childhood, a difficult relationship or hard job with a bad boss…you may not have a lot of practice on being resilient! How do we actually go about becoming more resilient? Here’s a great list to get started.
Tips for increasing resiliency:
1. Work on doing things on the regular that make you feel uncomfortable. Learn a new language or a new instrument. Don’t allow yourself to quit for an entire year no matter what happens, see it through. See all the ways you can grow! See what you learn about yourself when you refuse to give up!
2. Don’t allow yourself the ability to say “I quit” or “I can’t.” Instead reframe it in your mind (remember, your mind CANNOT SEE NEGATIVES!). Instead, say, “how can I make this work?” or “what help do I need to move forward?” or “What steps can I take RIGHT NOW, no matter how small, to move me towards my goal?” or “How can I break this goal into smaller more achievable chunks?”
3. Catch yourself in negative thinking: like projecting catastrophic events out into the future based on a small decision today. Or traumatized all-or-nothing black/white thinking.
4. In the same vein, avoid people who are bringing you down, fortune-telling your demise, or who are constantly critical or cynical when you discuss your dreams and goals. Surround yourself with emotional cheerleaders, who have your back and are honest with you in good times and in bad.
5. Push your limits. You walk for 20” a day? Try for 30”. You walk 2 miles? Walk 2.5. Making 10 phone calls an hour at work? Try for 12.
6. Interview people you know who have been through difficult times! My grandparents lived through the Great Depression. As a child, I would be fascinated by the stories they told me about how many times they cleaned and reused aluminum foil. Or how they made $5 stretch to feed a family of four for a month. Or how they used old rags to make dollies to play with. Not only will you get a greater appreciation for those people in your life, you will also develop a greater sense of gratitude for the station in your life you have achieved! For the people and possessions and ease in your life in comparison. You may even learn to “make do” with what you have instead of charging your credit card on something you can’t afford today only to suffer tomorrow when you have to pay the bills. We have amazing amounts to learn from our elders, and from people who may have gone through things and survived, the very same things that we’re going through for the first time now and don’t know how to.
7. Nix or go on a social media fast. In general, people only post the highlight reels. Watching everyone in the [quote] “perfection” of their lives can increase your anxiety, depression, and negativistic thinking!
8. Develop a gratitude practice. Even if it’s just bullet points in a journal. If you’re at the lowest of lows, start with the basics: are you alive? Are you breathing? Are you moving? Can you share a meal with a loved one? Can you pay for your groceries? Have clothes on your back? The more you are grateful for, basic daily stressors suddenly start becoming more innocuous, unimportant, and no longer worth stressing about so much. Stress is all relative.
9. And finally, if you feel unable to do any of these things, contact your local mental health professional. You made need to have help to work things out. You may need time and coping skills to grieve, or move past a trauma that your family of origin may not have equipped you for. There is no harm in asking for help.
So, if you found this information helpful, please like, subscribe, and follow us! Tell your friends. We’re @AndersonClinicCincy on Facebook, Instagram, and TikTok. And you can find our Psych Waves podcast on Apple and Spotify. And if you happen to be in the Cincinnati area and are looking for assistance with treatment-resistant depression, anxiety, concussions, or PTSD, give us a call at (513) 321-1753. Start feeling better faster.