Letting Go Instead of Pushing Harder: Simplifying Life Instead of Making Resolutions

It's that time of year! Every January, there’s a collective message that says:

This is the year you fix everything.

Exercise more.
Eat better.
Be more productive.
Be more positive.
Heal your trauma.
Become motivated again.

For someone with a healthy, flexible nervous system, those messages can feel energizing.

But for someone with depression—especially treatment-resistant depression—or PTSD, they often land very differently.

They land as:

  • Overwhelm

  • Shame

  • A sense of personal failure before you even begin so why even bother?

Because resolutions assume something that isn’t always true:
That motivation, energy, and follow-through are equally available to everyone.

In depression, the brain’s reward system doesn’t work the same way.  Effort doesn’t reliably produce a feeling of payoff.  Planning can feel exhausting.  Even small tasks can feel heavy.

So when resolutions fail, people often conclude:

“I must not want it badly enough.”

But clinically, that’s rarely true.  More often, the brain is overloaded and overwhelmed.  When the brain is in that state, the most therapeutic move is not to add more goals—it’s to remove unnecessary demands!

So let me tell you what this IS NOT ABOUT: this is not an episode about setting better goals.  This is NOT an episode about optimizing your life.  This is NOT an episode about becoming the “best new version” of yourself.

Instead, this is an episode about what we can let go of (reasonably).

Because for many people—especially those with treatment-resistant depression or chronic stress—life doesn’t get better when we add more effort.  It gets better when we reduce pressure, lower cognitive load, and make room for healing.

And if New Year’s resolutions have never worked for you, there may be a very good reason for that.

 

This is a very different kind of framework. 

Instead of asking:

What should I add to my life this year?

I want you to ask yourself a VERY different question:

What can I let go of?

This episode is built around a simple, compassionate idea:
We can do these things.

Not must.
Not should.
Not “if you were healthier, you would.”

Just: These are available options.

You don’t have to do all of them.
You don’t have to do any of them perfectly.

Even choosing one can meaningfully reduce strain on your nervous system.

 1. We Can Let Go of Saying Yes Automatically

Many people with depression or trauma say yes by default.

Yes to plans.
Yes to obligations.
Yes to favors.
Yes to expectations they don’t actually have the energy to meet.

Often this comes from:

  • Fear of disappointing others

  • Guilt

  • A belief that rest must be earned

  • A need to people-please because you fear that your only value is in how others see you, or how they perceive what you can provide them with, not your inherent worth or value.

It’s really important to recognize that every “yes” costs something.

It costs:

  • Time

  • Energy

  • Emotional bandwidth

  • Recovery capacity

And when you’re already depleted, those costs compound quickly.

Letting go doesn’t mean becoming selfish.
It means becoming accurate about what you can realistically give.

A simplified rule can help:

If saying yes will significantly worsen my mental or physical health this week, I’m allowed to say no.

No long explanation required.
No justification needed.

Just:

“I can’t take that on right now.”

That sentence alone can reduce an enormous amount of pressure.

But of course, if you tend toward the more people-pleasing variety, if can be hard to let that sentence stand on its own.  So…

2. We Can Let Go of Over-Explaining Our Boundaries

Many people feel the need to defend their limits.

They explain.
They apologize.
They offer alternatives.
They soften the message up until the point where the boundary almost disappears!

But boundaries don’t work when they’re fragile.

You are allowed to say:

  • “I’m not available for that.”

  • “That doesn’t work for me.”

  • “I need to protect my energy right now.”

And then stop talking.

From a nervous system perspective, over-explaining actually increases stress. It keeps you mentally engaged long after the decision has been made.

A clear, kind boundary lets your brain settle.  And if you get pushback from setting that boundary, you can rest assured knowing the other person is more inclined to have their needs met in that moment than respecting yours.

3. We Can Let Go of Trying to Fix Everything at Once

This one is especially important in depression.

Many people approach healing like a checklist:

  • Therapy

  • Medication

  • Exercise

  • Nutrition

  • Sleep

  • Mindfulness

  • Productivity

All at the same time.  Either I go full-throttle with my healing or forget it all, throw it all away.  The “All or nothing” mindset, is a very traumatic mindset.

Here’s the thing…healing doesn’t work like that.

The depressed brain struggles with cognitive load—the amount of information and decision-making it has to manage.

When cognitive load is too high, even helpful things become overwhelming.

So instead of asking:

What else should I be doing?

Try asking:

What is the one thing that matters most to me right now?  Or what is one thing I CAN do right now in this moment?

Not five things.
Not a routine.
Just one. And repeat it.

Stability first.
Optimization later—if at all.

4. We Can Let Go of Clutter—Physical and Mental

Clutter isn’t just a visual issue.
It’s a neurological one.

Every object in your environment takes up a small amount of mental space.  It acts as a “loop” that remains open when all your brain wants to do is “close the loop.” Feng Shui has some scientific basis, believe it or not!

When depression is present, the brain has less capacity to filter stimulation.
So clutter can contribute to:

  • Fatigue

  • Irritability

  • Difficulty focusing

  • A constant sense of being behind

  • Increased mental or emotional load

Simplifying doesn’t require a total overhaul.

It can be small:

  • Fewer clothes in rotation

  • Fewer apps on your phone

  • Fewer open tabs (I believe there’s even something called a BRICK for maintaining phone boundaries on social media)

  • Fewer ongoing projects

  • I actually like to keep a trash bag in my closet so when I try things on that don’t work for me anymore or I notice something that I haven’t worn in years is still hanging up, I put it in the bag.  When the bag eventually gets filled, I take it to GoodWill or a local charity.  There’s no need to “make a day of it” and spend your Saturday cleaning out your closet only to get lost in the sentimental pile of what ifs and now having a floor you can no longer navigate.  Little by little this reduces the clutter and that’s just in your closet.  You could also keep a box in your kitchen and do the same thing with plates, utensils or gadgets.  Or even in your garage.  It doesn’t have to be so emotionally charged and it most definitely doesn’t have to be an all-or-nothing scenario.  More of just a “I happen to be here right now I can do this one thing right now in this moment.”

Even reducing one area of clutter like a desk or one area of the kitchen counter can create noticeable relief.

The goal isn’t minimalism.
The goal is ease.

5. We Can Let Go of Decision Fatigue

Decision-making is expensive for the depressed brain.

What to eat.
What to wear.
When to exercise.
When to respond to messages.

Each choice draws from a limited energy reserve.

One of the most helpful strategies is reducing the number of decisions you have to make in a day.

This can look like:

  • Eating the same breakfast most days

  • Making a casserole over the weekend and having it for dinner every night.

  • Or planning to go out for pizza every Friday night with the fam.

  • Wearing similar outfits

  • Scheduling recurring routines

  • Automating small choices

This isn’t about being boring.
It’s about conserving energy for the things that truly matter and freeing up brain space when you’re already fatigued.

6. We Can Let Go of Productivity as a Measure of Worth

This one runs deep.

Many people equate productivity with value.

So when depression slows them down, they don’t just feel tired—they feel less worthy.

But productivity is not a moral trait.

Rest is not failure, we were not meant to be “on” 24/7.
Slowness is not laziness, at times it can be energy conservation for the things that truly matter.
Needing support is not weakness, it’s actually a sign of strength, maturity, and connection.

From a psychiatric standpoint, pressure worsens depression.

Self-compassion and reduced demand improve outcomes.

You don’t need to earn rest.
You need rest to heal and rejuvenate.

7. We Can Let Go of the Idea That Healing Follows a Calendar

January is a particularly hard month for many people.

There’s an expectation that things should feel fresh or hopeful—and when they don’t, people assume something is wrong with them.

But healing doesn’t start on January 1st.
It doesn’t follow seasons.
It doesn’t respect timelines.

Progress can happen in:

  • February

  • August

  • On a random Tuesday

Your nervous system doesn’t know what month it is.

And that’s okay.

And healing isn’t linear.  It’s two steps forward, 3 steps back, 10 steps forward and stay there for two months, then 2 more steps forward.  Don’t compare your journey to anyone else’s.  They don’t have the same environment, stressors or family situation you have.  One or the other of you may have better family or financial support systems in place and that’s ok.  Work with what you have.  Focus on what you can do to move yourself forward in this MOMENT.

8. We Can Focus Only on What Actually Matters

So what does matter?

For most people with depression or trauma, the essentials are:

  • Safety

  • Stability

  • Sleep

  • Connection

  • Nourishment of your body, mind and soul

  • Appropriate treatment

Not perfection.
Not constant growth.
Not relentless self-improvement.

If you can protect those core areas, you are doing meaningful work.

Everything else is optional.

How This Fits with Psychiatric Treatment

This approach pairs especially well with treatments like:

  • Ketamine

  • Spravato

  • PrTMS

These treatments increase neuroplasticity.
They make the brain more flexible, more open to change.

But plasticity needs space.

If life is overloaded, chaotic, or constantly demanding, the brain has a harder time integrating those changes.

Simplifying your life isn’t giving up.

It’s creating the conditions where healing can actually take hold.

Closing Thoughts

If New Year’s resolutions haven’t worked for you, that doesn’t mean you failed.

It may mean you were trying to heal in a system that asked too much or trying to add on tasks to a brain that was already overwhelmed.

So instead of asking:

What should I become this year?

Try asking:

What can I release?

Pressure.
Excess obligation.
Unnecessary noise.
Harsh self-judgment.

You don’t have to do everything.

You don’t have to do this perfectly.

Even a little less weight, a little less clutter, a little less obligation can make a meaningful difference.

Gina Perkins