Understanding and Setting Boundaries
Today we’re talking about boundaries. They are absolutely everywhere! From where your neighbor places their fence, to the dotted lines we follow to stay on our side of the road, to the line drawn where we have to present a passport to cross into a separate country, boundaries are universal. They are drawn to keep people safe, to keep property safe, to maintain some semblance of lawfulness, or even for tax purposes.
But what about psychological boundaries? Nobody likes to be called a rude name based on their race, religion, or political beliefs. That’s a fairly easy one to avoid in polite conversation (though most news outlets might say differently…) What about when you’re on a date and they ask you to stay the night? You don’t feel comfortable, so you say “no.” But will that “no” be respected? What about when a boss asks you to do more than what your job description entails? How do you say “no” to respect your personal boundaries without losing your job?
Some boundaries are easier to spot than others. Some are explicit, some are implied. Explicit would be “I’m not dating right after a breakup.” Implicit may be: You may invite a new colleague over for dinner and offer them a glass of wine. But you had no idea that either their religion doesn’t permit them to drink alcohol, or perhaps they are a recovering alcoholic and would prefer to abstain. These aren’t deal-breakers, but exercises in mature communication, and the more practiced you become, the less anxious you will be when they occur. You will be able to recognize pitfalls before they happen and if you do find yourself in that situation, it’s far easier to maintain a healthy open discussion as opposed to becoming defensive.
Let’s say the recovering alcoholic at your dinner party states, “no thanks.” And provides no explanation. It’s not your job to dig out the truth of “why.” Just accept their “no thank you” as their boundary.
Other implied boundaries may be difficult to identify. You may not even have realized you’ve crossed a boundary until someone responds in a rude or hurtful or defensive way, or stops wanting to hang out with you. You may not realize someone else has crossed your boundaries until you start second-guessing your response to them, or maybe you leave the scenario with your guts in a twist.
Here are some basic ways to identify if someone has crossed a boundary:
1. They make fun of you, calls you names, put you down, or try to subdue or minimize you based off your intellect, abilities, physical appearance, where you’re from, your political or religious affiliations, the kind of car you drive or where you live, what school you attended, where you work or what you do…you get the picture. People who do this try to make you feel small because they themselves aren’t comfortable with who they are within themselves, you intimidate them, or they feel in competition with you.
2. You’re saying “yes” when you’d rather be saying “no” or vice versa.
3. You feel pressured into answering in a specific way.
4. You’re worried you might lose a job or a relationship if you answer in a particular way.
5. You don’t feel comfortable giving the information that is being requested.
6. You don’t want to give away personal, private information but you’re being pressured to.
7. Someone embarrasses you publicly on purpose.
8. Someone is putting themselves uncomfortably physically too close to you. You feel uncomfortable, gross, or violated.
9. Someone touches you inappropriately.
10. Someone is asking you to do something against the law, or opposed to your moral/ethical compass.
11. A friend, family member, or co-worker continues to ask for money, time, or favors, and you feel used. You become angry every time they approach you now.
So how do we deal with these situations? There are some scenarios that are harder than others, but here’s the basic gist of how to set boundaries in real life, and I’ll give a few examples.
Basic tenets of setting boundaries:
1. State the behavior that you want/don’t want.
2. Set a time frame that you want the behavior to change (even if it’s just “the next time this happens…”)
3. State a consequence that you will employ because of their actions (this is NOT the same as punishment, which is punitive or vengeful…if you went to a clothing store and walked out with a blouse WITHOUT paying, you’d get arrested…that is a CONSEQUENCE)
4. Let go of the outcome (recognizing that it is in the other person’s hands). You CANNOT force the other person to do what you want them to do, but if they aren’t respecting your boundaries, you can choose to not interact with them in that way anymore)
5. Follow through with the consequence(s) when/if that unwanted behavior rears its ugly head again.
Here’s a very basic scenario I’ll give you that many parents will be familiar with: we have a rule in our house: you have to eat something that grew from the ground, or a bush, or a tree at EVERY meal. Nobody gets dessert without it. A simple and easy way for the kiddos to get fruits and veggies. So, a simply stated boundary based on this is: no dessert BEFORE dinner and UNLESS you finish your fruits and veggies. That’s the stated behavior. Let’s say a kiddo crosses the line and grabs a cookie from the cookie jar. Consequences aren’t immediate. Communication is. I say, “you know you’re not allowed to have dessert before dinner. The next time that happens, you go to bed without dinner” (the consequence). You let go of the outcome. What happens next is in their hands. You don’t want to see them go to bed without dinner, but it is THEIR choice. They grab another cookie from the cookie jar. (Their behavior that is unwanted.). You tell them to go to bed without dinner. (Enforcing the consequences.). You’re both angry. Understandable. They are angry because they want cookies but are denied them. You are angry because your rules to create healthy habits have been crossed and you feel like you aren’t being listened to.
This is not punitive. In this particular instance, it is drawing a boundary where your kids recognize NO MEANS NO. That the consequence you are setting is so that they learn that their behavior in that particular circumstance is NOT OK. When they learn where your boundaries are, they feel safe, they feel loved. In the moment, they might be really angry and hate your guts…but that’s just in the moment. For the long game, you’re raising healthy kiddos who know how to stay in the boundaries of the law and other people’s personal space. It’s important.
And remember, you are the person to change your own mind.
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