The Invisible Mental Load of Motherhood

 5/21/25

In honor of it recently being Mother’s Day, today I’d like to talk about the invisible mental stress load of being a mother.  Everybody knows about it.  Most people feel it.  But it seems like not many people are talking about it unless it’s ignored, then I see it a lot in couples’ therapy

 If you're a mother listening, you might feel a knot of recognition in your stomach right now. If you're a partner, a child, or a friend of a mother, this episode will offer crucial insight into what she might be experiencing. This isn't about complaining; it's about validating a legitimate and profound source of stress which can lead to relationship strife and eventually mental illness if left unchecked.

 Let's be clear: we're not just talking about being 'busy.' Everyone is busy. The overburdened mother is experiencing something far deeper and more insidious.  Mental load is defined by the invisible, unpaid, and often unacknowledged labor involved in managing a household and family life.  It’s the planning, organizing, remembering, anticipating, scheduling, doing and delegating of everything.”

 Here are some prime examples:

Who needs new shoes?

When was the last doctor's appointment?

What's for dinner tonight and what groceries do we need?

Are the bills paid?

Did I sign that permission slip?

Who's picking up who from school?

Who has a project due tomorrow that they forgot to tell me about until tonight?

Who’s meeting the roofer?

The car needs to be serviced so I’m going to need a ride Friday.

What's the plan for summer camp?

Where is Jimmy’s pizza party going to be and did anyone remember to buy him a gift?

Did we remember Grandma's birthday?

 It's not just the doing the laundry, it's knowing when the laundry needs to be done, who needs what clothes, what stains need pre-treating, and who will fold and put away.  It's the constant anticipation of needs, problems, and logistics for every member of the family, often 24/7.

While anyone can carry a mental load, societal expectations and historical norms mean that more often than not, the disproportionate burden often falls on mothers, even in otherwise egalitarian relationships. And despite both members of the couple having full-time jobs. It's often the default.

 In addition to the doing of ALL THE THINGS, it’s also mediating conflicts, providing comfort, managing anxieties, all while suppressing your own.”

 There are some Unique Stressors Contributing to This Phenomenon:

•   Societal Expectations & "Ideal Motherhood": The pressure to be the 'perfect' mom – always patient, always calm, always organized, always making homemade organic snacks, running a pristine home, while also having a successful career. BTW, this is an impossible standard.

•   Lack of Recognition & Appreciation: Because it's invisible, it's rarely praised or even acknowledged. This lack of validation can lead to resentment, feelings of isolation, and a sense of being taken for granted.

•   Loss of Self/Identity: Motherhood can be all-consuming. Many mothers feel they've lost their own interests, hobbies, friendships, and even a sense of who they are outside of their maternal role. Not only is there little time remaining for mothers themselves, but there’s also little emotional reserves remaining at the end of the day, especially with more than one kiddo.

•   Sleep Deprivation: A foundational pillar of mental health, often the first to go for mothers, leading to a cascade of negative effects.

•   Financial Pressures: Adding another layer of stress, especially if the mother is also the primary or sole income earner.

•   Isolation: Especially for stay-at-home moms or those with limited support networks, the mental load can be incredibly isolating.  Sometimes you JUST. DON’T. HAVE. TIME. FOR. FRIENDS.

•   Comparison Culture (Social Media): The curated highlight reels on social media exacerbate feelings of inadequacy and being overwhelmed.  Nobody puts their worst day online.  In fact, it’s frequently a compilation comparison guide to “Keeping up with the Joneses.”

 The Impact on Mental Health and the toll it can take is considerable.

•   It goes just Beyond "Stress" to Clinical Manifestations: And when Left unaddressed, the mental load can lead to significant mental health challenges.  It can manifest as…

•   Anxiety: Chronic worry, rumination, panic attacks, feeling constantly 'on edge' or unable to relax even when you’ve completed your to-do list.

•   Depression: Low mood, loss of interest/pleasure (anhedonia), fatigue, irritability, feelings of hopelessness or worthlessness, difficulty concentrating, significant change in appetite, weight loss or gain.

•   Burnout: That feeling of Emotional exhaustion, depersonalization (feeling detached), reduced sense of accomplishment. This can manifest as short temper, snapping at loved ones, or feeling numb.

•   Relationship Strain: You can have Resentment towards partners, reduced intimacy, and communication breakdowns.

•   Physical Symptoms: Headaches, digestive issues, chronic fatigue, weakened immune system – the mind-body connection is powerful here.  Why do you think so many autoimmune diseases are more than twice as prevalent in the female population?  It’s not just hormones.

•   Substance Use/Unhealthy Coping: Self-medicating with alcohol, food, excessive screen time in order to try to distract yourself or numb out, etc.

Strategies & Solutions for Healing and Reclaiming Well-being

•   The Crucial First Step IS Validation & Self-Compassion: By simply acknowledging that this is real, it's hard, and you're not alone, you give yourself grace. Recognize you're doing an incredible job under immense pressure.

 The second step is Communication & Delegation:

◦      This is where good psychotherapy can be invaluable.  You not only need a place where you can feel heard without judgment, but you also sometimes need a third party to help you be more proactive and responsive as opposed to being reactive.  Someone who isn’t intimately involved with you has better objectivity.

◦        Learning to articulate the mental load to partners, older children, or support systems. It's not about blame; it's about collaboration.

◦      Creating shared lists, delegating tasks explicitly, and resisting the urge to 're-do' something if it's not done 'your way.'

◦        Setting boundaries: saying no (which is SUPER hard, especially if you’ve been in people-pleasing mode for the majority of your life! (I discuss this in another episode on boundaries), and carving out personal time away from your to-do list.

◦         Letting go of perfectionism: 'good enough' is often truly good enough.  There’s not somebody out there grading you on your tasks.

Some Practical Life Hacks include:

◦      Outsourcing whenever and wherever possible (even small things like grocery delivery or mowing the lawn).

◦       Batching tasks, like meal prepping, simplifying routines.

◦       Protecting sleep as much as possible.

◦       Prioritizing self-care: even 15 minutes of quiet, a walk, or a hot cup of tea can make a difference.  It’s helpful to employ a partner or older kiddo here to reaffirm your boundaries… “I’m sorry buddy, Mommy can’t right now…she’ll be back soon.”

Medication Management (When Appropriate):

◦      For those experiencing clinical anxiety, depression, or severe sleep disturbances, medication can be a vital tool to create the space needed for other therapies to work. And recognize it may be a “just for this season” type of thing and not forever. Every case is different.

◦     It’s important to discuss medication types with a qualified professional to address your individual symptoms to be able to provide relief.  Meds are not a one-size-fits all solution.

◦      I’d like to emphasize that medication is not a 'weakness' but a strategic intervention.  Just as when you need to put a brace on your knee when you’re recovering from surgery, it won’t have to be there forever.  But it can support you and get you where you need to go in the meantime.

 If medications and psychotherapy aren’t enough, The Anderson Clinic does have other Advanced Therapeutic Modalities like:

Ketamine Infusions:

• For treatment-resistant depression, PTSD, or severe anxiety where conventional treatments haven't yielded enough relief or brought about significant or intolerable side effects.

• Ketamine has rapid antidepressant effects, aids in neuroplasticity, helping to 'reset' neural pathways and improve communication between the neurons.

• It has few side effects that are typically limited to the time of treatment.

•  While it’s certainly not a panacea, but can be part of an integrative treatment plan that involves psychotherapy and medication management.

 Spravato—or intranasal esketamine.  It’s great for when folks are needle-phobic and couldn’t tolerate IVs for standard ketamine, and unlike IV ketamine, it IS covered at least partially by most insurance plans. 

PrTMS (Personalized repetitive Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation):

▪ If you remember our analogy from a previous episode (or introduce it here briefly): if the brain is like a complex orchestra, stress, trauma, lack of sleep, and concussions can throw it out of tune. PrTMS can conduct your brain waves back in harmony.

▪  PrTMS uses magnetic pulses to gently and precisely normalize specific brainwave frequencies that are tuned precisely to your brain by using an EEG.

▪   It helps to: Improves focus, reduces anxiety, lifts depression, improves sleep, and helps restore cognitive function by getting the brain back into a healthier, more balanced rhythm

▪  It’s non-invasive, and has no systemic side effects, and unlike standard TMS, it CAN be used in folks who have a history of seizure.

 [In Conclusion]

•   Just to reiterate: To every mother out there listening, know that your experience is valid. I hear you.  Your mental load is real, and it has a profound impact. You are not alone, and you are not failing.

•   I want to empower you to change this negative narrative for yourself. Seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness.  We were NEVER meant to do it alone.  Our culture has moved far too much in the direction of self-reliance and away from the community mindset of “it takes a village.”

•   If anything we've discussed today resonated with you, please don't suffer in silence. Reach out.  We’re here to help.

•   Prioritizing your own mental health isn't selfish; it's essential. A healthy, well-supported mother is the foundation for a healthy family, and a healthy community.  Or in layman's terms, “if momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.”

If you found this information helpful, tell your friends!  Follow our Podcast Psych Waves on Apple and Spotify, or our Instagram and TikTok @AndersonClinicCincy with a “Y.”  And if you happen to be in the Cincinnati area and are looking for assistance with treatment-resistant depression, anxiety, or PTSD, please give us a call at (513) 321-1753.  Or check us out at www.andersonclinic.net  Start feeling better faster.